Fernanda Foertter

I struggle to write. And by struggle I mean that I run from writing like a skittish gazelle runs from the mere whiff of lions. In fact, as I write this, I’m like

https://media.giphy.com/media/119HtgTy0cDjK8/giphy.gif

You may call it dramatic, I accept it. Obviously I don’t lack the mechanical skills to write, or type, or heck, think.

I can give presentations just fine, pulling 30 slides out of a magical hat like a pro. I am even confident enough to deliver entirely different talks from the same set of slides. Heck, I can give talks without slides. Broken projector, no prob! (happened at conference!)

My talks are praised for being easy to understand, clear, concise, well structured. I’ve come to believe “You’re such a great speaker” is actually true.

But then I try to write, say a technical paper, and I may as well be shallow-pool-drowning, hanging onto a rope, bellowing for help.

I don’t know why that part of my brain is so pained. Freud might say it stems from some childhood trauma, but I don’t have anything specific where say, a dog mauled me as I attempted to write an essay, or even a papercut.

The symptoms are weird too.

1. Struggling to find the words, they evaporate, and escape my head
2. Darting from topic to topic
3. Struggling to stay on task
4. Everything I write reads “stupid”

Therefore the writing effort feels enormous, taking far longer than it should.

But I have found some occasions where I don’t struggle writing

1. Editing peoples work just fine, and even add to the work.
2. Writing concise cogent responses via email / social media
3. Doodling my way through any explanation
4. I even write abstracts just fine

I can’t be alone in this weirdness, nay, feeling like the keyboard is my deathbed.

https://gph.is/2coZuGS

So hard. If this sounds familiar to you, I’d like to hear it. Especially if you’ve figured out how to solve it.

Coping mechanisms

Other than sitting with a therapist I don’t have many. Often I just writhe-write until the deadline and then hand that in. If I have someone I’m collaborating with, I will punt the first draft to them because see second #1 bullet. Sometimes all I do is writhe, the page is blank and I’ll miss a deadline and feel pathetic for a few days reciting this over and over in my head:

https://gph.is/2uLrSQl

Solutions?

So I challenged my friend to become each others’ accountabilibuddy. We will try to gamefy writing and publish more by giving each other challenges that build up to our goals. Hers is writing screenplays, mine is writing more technical pubs. But because I’m in a rut, I need to start with more basic assignments. So for my first challenge I’m supposed to write a poem about the feeling of “Surprise.” I hate feelings, feelings are stupid and she knows this about me! But she’s an English professor, and a pro, so I’m not going to argue with the doc about the medicine.

So here goes my first challenge, which I birthed and, frankly, reads stupid. A poem about “surprise.”

At every blank page
Potshot
The first word comes, unexpected
Next one equally so
One more, and another

A storm of thoughts
Cannot
Stop a moment, condense
Delete this bad sentence
Try again, and again

Just leave it there
Fraught
Incomplete, let it go
Keep going til you find 
Yourself, surprised